Confession of an Outlier

There are times when things are not going your way no matter what you do..Whether it's your routine life, or your ruining-by-the-minute equation with close friends, or your dreams shattering in front of your eyes especially after so much planning , you just can't seem to catch a break. It results into breaking away from what should have been your life to what it's now..In statistics, such numbers which depict this high deviation from the expected are called outliers.. Yeah well, seeing last 6-7 months of my life, even though I am not proud of it, I can say I am an active outlier as well.

Days turn into seventh circle of hell, and you just can't seem to find a way out of it. Why me?! Why me?! starts resonating in your heart and mind. You see the life you could have had in front of your eyes and that feeling of chaos just makes your world fall apart. You want it to be normal, you want to hit the reset button but you can't ...the choice is no longer yours, not entirely anyway.

So then you ask yourself, what now? What's next? Well that's where I am right now..It feels that I mistook a mountain for a hill and I am paying for it.. What's going to happen next is just a matter of time.. But the thing I now know for sure, is to never let circumstances get the better of you.. I regret missing those terrible 6-7 months more than my life and that's just cruel, right?!

One day at a time..One day at a time

The Birthday Confession

They say life's short..that it takes the entire lifetime for a person to understand what exactly life is! But I gotta be honest,I feel that I live equivalent to a lifetime during the 365 days that split the extra candle on my birthday cake. And my 23rd was no different. Don't know if it's good or bad , but when I close my eyes, I can actually see each of the billion moments that I have 'touched' and felt in these 12 months. There's been up and downs surely..sometimes I wished if I could go back and change it , sometimes I wished to relive the happy moments again..and sometimes I wished some things didn't happen at all...I am a lot of things and nostalgic is definitely one of them.Letting go isn't in my arsenal,which has both its pros and cons i guess. Going down the memory lane , especially the last few months, there are so so many things that could have gone either way...should've gone the other way but they didn't. I guess that was payback for the awesome first half of my 23rd , completing the circle of life : you'll be dealt with all kind of hands,but it's up to you to make sure the 'House' doesn't always win! 

But to be honest , I couldn't have done it without the support and unconditional love of my family and friends. We might not talk , we might not look at each other but I know in my heart , you are there for me and I hope you know the feeling is mutual : Always and Forever!

The number 23 is here ,having made it's impression on the birthday cake to say the least..And so ends my 23rd life.

I close this chapter of my life and sign off the book as 'to-be-continued' ..and I hope to start a new life..a new book wherein the first drop of ink impresses upon all the positives ,happiness and sense of true life,from my past, upon the pages..and it will continue till the last page,that's for sure..A new life awaits me ..a new beginning..a new challenge...a surreal journey..and a happy ending!

Looking ahead to my 24th on Earth and the 1st ,of hopefully many, in my mind :) :)

Diary - Excerpts no. ?....i have lost count

Dear future me,

Yesterday it happened again. I really wanted to clear things out with her.. I waved Hi at her and she didnt even say anything back. Why is this happening..all of a sudden , the entire world has crashed down on me and i am unable to breathe.. For 4 hrs,we were in the same classroom attending SM-2 lectures and she didnt even notice me...or rather she didnt even care to notice..I had been nothing but a great friend to her , or atleast i tried to be...Being there for her no matter what because i thought she was my white knight...a true friend..Seeing her now , with this get lost attitude towards me , is simply killing me from the inside slowly..I really wish that i could go back and not let this happen again but to be honest , i wouldnt even know what to change..All i can ask for ,is yhings to be normal again...
I hope you are happy and feeling alive..Just a lil hope that things will be alryt is keeping me going , and i hope i am not wrong in holding on to this hope...

So What Happened!!

#3

There was a guy who didn't know what had actually happened in the past few months. How his life turned around beginning April and continuing till life time , or so he thinks! It began so good and ended as the worst nightmare. The month of April was all good , nothing could go wrong. He was in contact with everyone..almost.. His internship was going great , his life was going great and he was ..you know...happy!
He suffered minor setbacks ..like an accident ..a little serious one... It made him realize that he's gotta be more careful in his life and how much his friends meant to him and considered him a good friend. That helped him in the recovery and he got over it in a matter of weeks..But that's not what changed things!
To be honest , he really doesn't know what changed..why it changed..why it can't be back to normal..whether it will be back to normal... But that's all questions..What are the answers? What did actually happen.. So lets see the events that happened and see if it makes more sense now..because they say you can connect the dots looking backwards but not forward..!
Month of May - Things start to change.. well he guessed that happens when people get busy ..with internships and all.. Friendship is much stronger than that , right?!! He feels that same desolation that he felt some time back..but he chose to forget it .. But nothing big happened in May apart from a cool Goa trip with friends and family .. Friends whom he met after a long time.. A wonderful moment ..
In comes June and the first shock.. One of his closest friend has left the world ... A pure angel.Too good to be true.Life's unfair. He feels that he have lost a part of his soul..
He doesn't know how to deal with it .. It's not fair..He is looking for some comfort but doesn't wanna bother anyone. It's not their burden to bear , he feels. Still he has his white knight and tier As with him. Slowly , he begins to fade away from the world but kept clenching onto the hope that he will get over it. As if he knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel and all his friends were waiting for him there. All he had to ,was crawl through the dark tunnel and fill this black hole inside him which was slowly sucking all his happiness. But nevertheless , he carried on with his normal self . Summer Internship Presentations. His. His Friends. Everything seemed normal. Then started the second year and nothing was same now.

He felt completely left out  from the group. No one would actually notice his existence. No talks. No Hi. No Byeees..Nothing! Just complete ignorance of his presence.
"WTF is happening " is all he could think about for hours.days.weeks.even months. He was completely unaware of what he had done wrong, to deserve such treatment. Afterall , all he ever wanted and did was, to be there for people whenever they needed him and enjoy as much as anyone else in their company.
First few weeks were of Denial. "This cannot be happening !!" . His other friend(s) told him that it is very much happening and he should get over it. But this ignorant guy just wouldn't accept this. Why would he?. It was completely out of the blue and a big a shock as any. No white Knight. No tier A. No anything.
Just completely alone. Incomplete. Being sensitive , sometimes salt and liquid blended at the corner of his eyes. But he kept going strong, hoping that one day it will all be alright.
Three months passed. Nothing went normal. He felt that he was left out in the cold night , stripped off of all the protective gear and thrown down the cliff - He didn't know the way back. He didn't even know if there was  a way back.
There were times when he could notice a sense of original attachment with some of his friends and all other times were of hostility and retribution. So in four months , he went from a king to pauper because..why?!..He didn't know!
So when enough is enough , he thought to himself. He always thought it was worth fighting for..that ..he would never give up on them...afterall , they were his 'friends'!! He kept trying.. but it was like trying to contact an Alien..only that he was the Alien here!
Then one day , he thought , that it's too selfish of him to think that he deserved their company. " They must be deserving better than me " ," whatever happens , happens for the best" were the thoughts ringing in his mind like a payphone. " I must respect them enough to let them choose who they wanna be friends with...They dont want  me in their life..So be it! " . If there were a third person present , he could've noticed all the agony , all the pain .. But this guy didn't talk to them for weeks then. It was betrayal in the cloak of desolation for him. He kept on going ..till he finds some solace,he will keep on going!!

My name is Aman and this is my story!

Something Strange is Happening

Ever wondered what would happen if you notice all the signs? I did, one day and it's deafening the way it is ringing in my ears. Deafening Good.

I notice how many good people are there in my life, how their positive attitude is driving mine and how I feel at home, when I am around them.

I can name 5-6 of them, in my mind who have particularly been instrumental. It's love, alright. But not the "I'm In love" but just friendly, sisterly and brotherly love. I have never told them that, being an introvert is primarily the reason. I don't want to ruin it, not till I am certain it's going to last forever.

Life is looking good ahead, and this last year of education might be the best.

Fingers crossed! But hey, I am confident.

Prelude to The Change ..

#2

There was a guy who was doing post-graduation in Business Administration , something he always thought for doing , before starting his career. First day in the college ..The orientation day. That day he learnt two things : Firstly , it's not a college but an institute (duh!) and Secondly , the coming two years would be ..umm...lets say...interesting ..because the atmosphere was not at all what he expected , but he always knew he didn't know what to expect , so it cancels out I guess. Nevertheless , first week of the day ..some sort of Orientation Classes marketed under the heading of , " To equip you and bring all of you at the same level of knowledge so that we can collectively , as a group, move forward and learn to be successful and ethical managers in the future .. " .Sounds good..I guess... Never mind , coming back to the point , he kinda liked his new classmates. He could recognize few familiar faces , few faces he thought were familiar but yeah what did he know , and the others. Typical of him , he didn't make the first attempt to talk to anyone . Being allocated the corner seat in the last row of the room , he actually felt that it was the universe telling him to stay away and quiet for now until the opportune moment comes. Now fast forwarding , he met some great people and kinda felt this strong connection with many of them . Being in his nature to roam around and poke his nose in everyone's matter , he felt that everyone kinda knew him and lets say..didn't hate him.. He essentially considered himself to be part of this group, most of whom he met because of they being 'familiar faces' and mutual friends ofcourse.. He felt that his life was going great and finally , he was feeling some sense of belongingness towards the entire scheme of things. " I don't think I would trade this for something else..I value it that much " was his thought process.
So what we have , is this bulky guy,ugly by face but good by heart(or so he thinks) hanging out with these people and feeling like the king of the world. As time went by , bond got even stronger and he , completely unaware ,subconsciously sort of divided these friends into different tiers based on his level of bonding with them and how much they meant to him. So there was the White Knight Tier , Tier A , B and C.  Couple of them belonged to the White Knight Tier while others occupied the next tier. It sounds lame and it surely was. But that's what his mind was...pretty lame!! There goes the first trimester and so his real life now begins .

In comes the second trimester , and his real insecurities start to show up at many instances. Firstly , due to some structural changes , his work group was ..literally..broken apart but so was everyone's in the class. Some liked it , some hated it and some didn't care. When he realized that he had to join another group , he really didn't know where to go. " Who would have me?!", he thought. Knowing him , he hesitated to ask his friends whether he could actually join their group who were a member short because one of the group members left them for their friends. But he didn't want to look pressing or forcing them to take him just because they are friends and they are 'obligated' to do so. In an interesting turn of events , he did end up joining that group and he felt relaxed . " What happens , happens for the best . "
The bonding among the new work group grew stronger with passage of time..not by his efforts ofcourse ..but because they were good people. Anyways, his life is now great. He has this big group of work friends , travelling friends,gossip friends and hangout friends..and what was the best thing ( or the worst maybe) about it , that they had more than 80% common between them...Even though he used to fail alienated sometimes , but he used to think that it was all in the mind and it's only natural that people don't hang out with them everytime he is around.. " Why would they.?? I am not that cool " he used to think.  So there goes the second trimester and he feels that things are going well..But what do they say..- The sea is most dangerous when it's all calm .

So now we come up to the defining moment ..the third trimester. A good start. He feels connected to everyone and the cohesion in the group is really strong. The work group , herein after referred to as the RSG, had it's first party and people really enjoyed there. More of a get together , it was fun nevertheless. Then due to some interesting turn of events , there was a slight rift between certain close friends of his..And this guy thought that it was his fault . He should've done something before things took a worse turn . But he wanted to make it right. Through cooperating nature of his friends and some intentional 'good guy,bad guy' things, he managed to do something right and rest was the bond between friends which pulled the ship towards the shore. Good for Him.
His bond with his friends has grown stronger..more than ever. His white knight has become special to him and so have his other friends. He has the whole second year planned in his mind..Fun and more fun was the central theme of that 'expected storyline'.

But then something changed....FOR THE WORST OR BEST..TIME WILL TELL!!          

my name is aman and this is the story of my lyf..